so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
