So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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