Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
