youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
