I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
