Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
