So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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