I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We left the knife in your bed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
