I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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