she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I could fuck to npr.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
