My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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