ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
