I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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