Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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