It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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