seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
