Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there was a trapeze. enough said
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
