I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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