The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
