he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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