If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
