You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
