My sheets look like a crime scene.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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