Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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