sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
