You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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