y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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