I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
