Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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