guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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