miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
