i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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