well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
