I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
