fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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