i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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