just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
