who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
