i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
