saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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