i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
