I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
