remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
