I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
