When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
