I want to have your abortion
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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