So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
