I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
