I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
