only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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