Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
