Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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