Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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