we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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